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[June 10 2008] |
Do you even understand how difficult our relationship is for me? No, maybe not, because I don't talk about it, I don't talk about much that bothers me, because that's letting someone in too deep and it just scares the hell out of me. You call me your slavegirl, and I think you mean it. And I want it to mean something, so why do I always feel like I'm holding back from you?
Almost everyone that I've ever let in has left. It terrifies me, the thought of someone knowing that much about me again. Tony, for all I can say it didn't hurt, pretty much gave up and we just decided that we couldn't handle it. I don't blame him, but it hurt all the same. He knew me... knew what my different looks meant, knew what mood I was in by the way I said hello, knew my favorite color and that I can never pick a favorite song, knew my taste in pretty much everything, knew that I'd drink green tea by the gallon, knew there were things in my past that I still can't talk about because I won't let myself think about them, let alone talk about them and I don't even know how to stop that. I want you to know me like that. Fuck, I want you to know me better than he ever did.I want you to know me inside and out, emotions and reactions and heart and soul and I want to know you the same way.
I feel like I'm hiding myself from you and that isn't what I want. I feel like I'm keeping my self at arms' length from you, even, because I ask so few questions. I'm afraid of the answers. I'm afraid of my own truths.
I'm afraid of what I really like, what the deepest part of me craves. I saw a glimpse of it with Anthony. I hated him for it, hated him for the way he was to me, hated him for the way he made me feel, and I hated [maybe still] myself for wanting that: There was no love in that, other than love of pain and hatred which is twisted when you think about it but true nonetheless, nothing to feel except pain and emotions I don't even know how to describe it. And that scares me most of all. You asked me my darkest fantasy, and I can't describe it, because I don't know how and I don't know that I want to. I want to mean something to someone, I want to be loved and cherished and treasured and I want a relationship filled with all good things. I want that to my bones ... but just as much of me wants it to hurt, doesn't want to feel the love and warmth because I don't know how to handle it and ... I don't know how to explain it.
I'm afraid of the kind of relationship I want, I'm afraid of the lifestyle, because I don't know how to correlate it with the way I've been raised. I don't understand how I could be brought up in church, and find myself, truly, in the ways that I do. I feel right when I'm being controlled and fucked and told what to do, and... the good little Baptist girl in me has no idea what to do with those feelings.
I have a hard time saying what I'm thinking, especially if it's sexual or in any way naughty. It's not so much that I'm naive as I'm just...scared to let myself go the ways I want to. I overthink things, you say something and you've long since moved on and I'm still quiet, puzzling over and digesting what you say. Which isn't bad, but isn't particularly conductive to smooth conversation.
I'm scared of giving myself away. Gods, as much as I want to, in a way I'm afraid of turning myself over to you. I want to, so so badly, I need to. I'm so scared of ruining everything with my lack of trust, or with maybe trusting you too much, and I'm scared of you just deciding that I'm not worth it, that we aren't worth the trouble. I know how good it feels, how right and perfect it feels knowing that I'm YOURS, and I want that so badly for always.
The last time you decided to release me... do you understand how badly that hurt? It completely blindsided me. We were fine one night, and then the next morning I wake up to "Oh, well, I think we'd be better friends." And I understand the reasonings, but it still hurt. It still does. I keep waiting to wake up and find that message again.
That's a lot of why I hold back. I'm scared of being left, especially in this when I need to trust you so deeply, and I do, and then... I lose a reason to trust you.
I don't want to be one of many. I know that's a selfish way to look at it, and maybe in time, I can overcome that. But the men I've been with, the relationships I've known ... I don't want to be shared. If you wanted that from me, to share me with other guys, I could do that easily. Just like the guy I went on the date with, for you. And sucked him off, for you. I can barely remember his name but I did it because you wanted me to, and I don't regret doing it. It made me happy to know that I could do what you asked me to do. I want to know that I am important to you, and I need to be reminded of it. I've never asked you not to talk to anyone else, and I know you've never asked me. But as soon as we started talking, I stopped talking to others. Not at the exact moment, it was gradual. And we've had our times when I'd start again... just trying to assure myself that I was making the right choice. I've never questioned you after talking to another. Have you questioned me? Do you love other girls? Is it going to be that way, I'm just one of a few? And maybe I'm phrasing it badly, but I can't help it. I'm hurting and I'm sure that's obvious. I feel pathetic, being this hurt when I searched, but it caught me by surprise. Becca and I were talking and she was telling me that she found my journal by searching for another username I used to have and following links, and she found the livejournal I still use. It was funny, when she was talking about it, so I typed in a couple different usernames I've used, on yahoo and on different journals, and I was basically playing connect the dots. It's not like I was looking for something serious against you, I actually didn't really think I'd find anything.
this hurt more than anything. I...don't even know what to say.
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